This Ain’t Haiku: Beer Run – An Epic Tale

While drinking at home late last night
I had me a terrible fright
To the fridge I did go
And I suffered a blow
The only thing there was called Lite

My head quickly started to spin
What a pickle I found I was in
I suppose I could find
Something else for my mind
Perhaps vodka or what about gin?

I ran to my home bar so fast
And what I found left me aghast
If only I’d known
That my whole stock was blown
Oh, the size of my problem was vast

I zipped to my den in a flash
To check out my personal stash
Felt around in the dark
And I found Maker’s Mark
Now wait… mustn’t do something rash

I don’t think that whisky will do
Well maybe a sip, maybe two!
It was perfectly clear
What I wanted was beer
I would have to go out and get brew

I fumbled around for my keys
And stumbled out into the breeze
I walked like a gypsy
(I guess I was tipsy)
Could something go right for me please?

A D.U.I. wouldn’t be neat
So I bravely walked off down the street
I set off for the store
It was twelve blocks or more
Beer or Bust! I would not take defeat!

With a determined look on my face
I set out at a briskly good pace
I am no sprightly elf
If I say so myself
But thoughts of beer made my feet race

I started to dream of dark stout
Of course, pale ale I couldn’t rule out
Perhaps smooth summer wheat
Abbey ale would be sweet
Or barley wine – something with clout!

The visions were coming so strong
I knew that it wouldn’t be long
I’d arrive at the store
And I surely would score
The beer that would right all this wrong

My moment of triumph at hand
The sight of my beer store so grand!
But my plans were then hosed
Cuz the beer store was closed
Why me?! I just don’t understand.

I felt like a ruined old man
Like tissue I’d throw in the can
Though my beer dreams seemed lost
And my stars seemed all crossed
My brain was devising a plan

“Hey self!” it did suddenly say
“To get beer there is one other way
The walk is not far
We will go to the bar!
So get up, there will be no delay”

The fear on my face it was plain
Hearing voices inside of my brain
But I brushed it aside
“To the bar!” ’s what I cried
Tonight, I don’t need to be sane

I started along down the road
Thinking of that old beer runners’ code
“You must get the beer
Be it far or it near
Succeed, you’ll have glory bestowed”

I rounded a corner and saw
A sight that just left me in awe
A warm tavern’s door
Like the alehouse of yore
And my brain cackled like a macaw

Ignoring the sounds in my head
I quickly redoubled my tread
My heart filled with pride
As I sauntered inside
All right beer, it’s full steam ahead!

Now taking my seat at the bar
And knowing I’d come really far
I sat there transfixed
As I stared at the list
Cuz there wasn’t a beer that’s sub-par

“Hey bartender be a good chap
And bring something good from your tap
Make sure it’s the best
This is not a test
I don’t wanna drink any crap”

He looked at me funny, it’s true
But still handed over the brew
I felt like a king
I heard angels sing
For beer time was long overdue

The hue was a glorious brown
The scent made me spin all around
And oh God the Flavor
It was a life saver
The best goddamn beer ever found

The first beer, you know, didn’t last
The second one went pretty fast
“Your tip will be richer
If you bring me a pitcher”
I said to the ‘tender at last

The pitcher it came and it went
I felt over one hundred percent
It seemed I could fly
Way up into the sky
Should have known this would be my descent

I’m a very smart guy, you should know
And I had to tell everyone so
“Listen here! Listen there!
For my brilliance is rare!”
When I drink beer my intellect flows

You might say I was in rare form
Stand back when I start to perform
The beer, it kept flowing
And I just kept going
I was taking this bar room by storm

It must be so hard to be dumb
When my genius they can’t overcome
They must feel so dejected
Every time they’re corrected
To my greatness, they’ll have to succumb

But smarts are not all that I’ve got
It’s true, like Adonis, I’m hot!
All the girls want to peek
At my awesome physique
All the stares? Yeah I get that a lot.

Then what did I see at the bar
A beauty, she looked like a star
I threw a smooth line
“Hey babe, what’s your sign?”
“You want to get into my car?”

Now here’s where things get kind of blurred
And I’m not sure what really occurred
I apparently met
Her mad boyfriend I bet.
His response was not what I preferred

The last thing I saw was his fist
He treated my good looks like grist
He pounded my head
I thought I was dead
I tried to swing back, but just missed

Morning sun shining into my eyes
I stink and I’m covered with flies
How did I get home?
What’s this bump on my dome?
The answers I couldn’t surmise

I went to the bathroom to peek
At the bruise on the side of my cheek
As I started to leave
Saw a note on my sleeve
“See you again same time next week”

Written by Captain Hops.

References: This is my first attempt at branching out from haiku. I wrote this for Alan’s beer poetry contest at A Good Beer Blog. Unfortunately, I can’t compete for the prize: tickets to the Craft Beer Fest in New York. I have prior commitments that weekend that prevent me from going. But my lost opportunity is your gain. Alan extended the deadline, so you have until 4:00 pm today, Thursday, April 12, 2007 to get your entries in. Good luck.

Rate This Haiku
1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
See Related Haiku
Sign Up for Notification

Sign Up for Notification

Join our mailing list to receive the latest news and updates about the publication of the Beer Haiku Book

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Share This